We’ve all been there.
Whether you’ve showcased your two left feet while climbing doorsteps, your wine glass swatting skills as you spill onto her lap or your tumbleweed-attracting, foot-in-the-mouth conversation starters, odds are you’ve had a bad date or two.
Sometimes the “A” game disintegrates into a “D.”
Fess up to it. Get it out in the open. Practice your version of disastrous date therapy, Casanova-you-ain’t. Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times, and people still seemed to tolerate him.
Besides, what’s the alternative? Dating hubris may turn you into Darth Vader, and I don’t think he was too popular with the ladies.
Harnessing this spirit of dating humility, the following ditty is one such colossal dating failure involving this guy I know. Or maybe I saw it in a movie once. Yours truly has definitely never been a part of something so embarrassing…
Jack mustered up the guts to ask fun-loving, karaoke diva Jane out to dinner to get to know her better. He decides to take her out to a nice South African restaurant. They sit outside.
Conversation was flowing, fun was in the air and then the waitress brought out the entrees.
Jack ordered the lamb kabob dish, which featured massive hunks of meat.
As Jack was in the middle of telling a story, he forked a piece of the succulent baah-beque and shoved it in his mouth.
Breaking news: lamb meat is chewy.
Jack might have been too ambitious with the fork job.
Before long, he starts choking on the piece, so much so that he’s having trouble coughing and breathing.
With headlines whizzing through Jack’s mind that read “Man dies on first date,” he stands up, grabs his chair and gets ready to perform a self-Heimlich. CPR-certified Jane scurries over and positions herself to pump the piece out of Jack.
Seconds before the moment of truth, Jack is able to work out the chunk and spit it into a napkin.
Luckily, their table was tucked away in a corner, so other diners were oblivious to the made-for-Hollywood theatrics.
Geez, Jack.
Momma always said not to chew with your mouth full. Who knew that tidbit would come in handy more than 20 years later in your adult dating life?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Yes sir, that's a tall tale, a yarn so unbelievable I don't believe such a thing could possibly happen in real life. Your "friend" and I have much in common, as I choose to swallow food in whole blocks rather than chewing it.
That said, let me add my tale about a good "friend" who went on a date in high school (one of a number this friend can count on one hand). They went to a Putt Putt place, a wonderful, smile and sunshine filled wonderland that inspires the old to live and young people to let out their childish natures. It was a chilly night, but not a creeping bone chill, but a refreshing one, the kind where you can just see your breath. this friend was moving ably around the Putt Putt course trying to say the right things not to embarrass himself as well as trying to lose competently and with aplomb. To impress a girl, he always said, it is how you carry yourself, not what you do.
Long story short: ball goes in steel gutter. Friend kneels on ground to get ball. Giant gash on knee is revealed. Blood everywhere. Girl gets bandaid, cleans up. They go to girls house where he got to make out with her once. She says a friend is coming over. He leaves.
End of relationship. END TRANSMISSION.
Post a Comment